No More Granny Panties!

Don't worry 'bout hurtin' ma feelin's.
I am more than cumsterble
With my "FATuality"!
I know who I am...
And I know who I ain't!
Most folk don't even know that.
I tend to walk a mighty fine line
Between Wishin' and Got Damned Reality, though!
And one of these god forsakin days
I'm uhh grab these here butt cheeks
And Run!
They may be huge!
But they quick!
I'm uhh run these suckers
Right out these here Granny Panties!
And it's about dad gum time!
No more Granny Panties for this Granny!
I'm uhh hangin' them suckers up for good!
Scooch over so I can git my leg out.
Ahhhhh!!!
Stop with the faces!
I hosed down after mi morning drop!
Any hoo!
Ya seen one dingleberry...ya seen um all!
And don't act like ya never seen track marks!
They'z just a sign of good eatin'!
Another lil' gift from God.
Don't be uhh scared!
I'm sure you've seen bigger n better
A Spring Chicken...you ain't!
Lookee here!
It don't take a Big Ass
To know a Big Ass!
Hee! Hee!
I should be a writer!

I may just have to put my seamstress skills
To work, though.
Cuz, I got no money!
And this Purty Lady
Don't accept no Charity!
No siree!
I gotta pull alot uhh hair-poppin' strings for these here stamps!
But, I gotta tell ya...
Believe you me...
Them big ass Granny panties Have seen better days!
Them Sun rays may not be the only thang them rags is catchin'!
Hey! You smell'n' sumthin'?
Any Hoo!
Gotta go!
They're havin' a Fish Fry down at the ol' chick'n mill.
Good eatin'!
All the fried fixin's you could get your grimmy lil' hands on.
Whoops!
Ya may wanna hold your nose.
All this excitements got me a lil' gassy.
And just in case ya forgot...
Mi ol' Granny panties is hangiin' in that there winder.
I don't suppose you mind handin' um to me?
I'm kinda drippy.
I may need to wipe.