Where On Earth Is Dorothy Dander?

I don't know what to tell ya. I woke up yesterdee mornin'...took care of bizness...grabbed me some coffee...black, of course(cream-n-sugar's for sissies)...peeked out this here winda...and it was gone! Just like that. Poof! The whole damn trailer! Gone! And not a dad gum word. Twenty-four years...and not a dad gum word! I didn't even know she was thinkin' 'bout movin. Never said a freakin' word. I tell ya. Ya think ya know everythang there is to know about a crazy ass naybor that you've praktikally lived with for Twenty-four years...but...lookee here! A big ass hole! She took the whole got damn thang! Clothes...furniture...Patio Set...Gone! Hell! Even the dad gum dog is gone. Damn dog...barked at every got damn thang in sight. And then piss on himself if anyone or anythang got too dang close. And you could forget about scraps. Stupid dog wouldn't eat scraps to save his life. Everytime I tried to give him a little sumthin' left over from my dinner, he'd run off whimpering like a little ol baby. Hmmm...I don't think he ever got over them green weiners n peanut butter. Dumm dog...shit for days. I tried re-cooking them weiners...you know...to cook off that fuzzy green layer they get after a few days, but the dang flies kept huverin...takin' over my entire kitchen, so I added a little peanut butter...you know...to catch the flies and to add a little more protein to his dinner. Hell! He didn't even eat the whole thang. Ungrateful dog! Just like his mamma. She never did stop complaining bout that smell that come off them weiners that day. Ungrateful, Hussy! Well, there goes the nayborhood! Dad Gummit! No tellin what kind of trailer trash is gonna try to crawl up in here. I'm scared. I truly am. And I've got that no good for nuthin, sneaky ass naybor to thank for it, too. Damn Hussy! Who the hell does she think she is? Winning the got damn Lottery n sneaking outta here like that! She knows damn well she owes me money. If it wudn't for me n my weekly coupon clippin' she'd be in a HUGE pickle, right now. I swear...If I ever see that buck-toothed snake, again, I'm uh give her a piece of my mind. Hell...I may just give her the whole got damn thang. I thought we wuz friends. We shared a whole hell of a lot over the years...a damn clothes line...the Sunday Paper...a big ass plastic chair I bought from the change I found lying around her stinky ass trailer. Hell, we even shared the same got damn tooth brush. For some strange reason she loved borrowin' my damn tooth brush, but it didn't bother me none, cuz she always returned it smellin' cleaner than it wuz when I loaned it to her...kinda like a bathroom cleaner...nice n fresh.
I wuz kinda like her mentor...you know. I taught her every naughty trick in the book. I even suggested that she praktice on me, once in a while...you know...to keep them juices flowin', but once she took that bottle of Xanex...it wuz lights out in Georgia. It be days before she wuz up n crawlin, again. If you ask me, I think she wuz depressed. Every Sunday, she'd drive on down to Shady's Groceries, pick up a few can goods, along with a scratch n sniff Lottery ticket...grab her noisy ass dog and lock herself up that hot tin box of hers...til I cum a yellin' and a bangin'. Hell! If it wusn't for me, she'd a kick that damn bucket, years ago. I don't think I ever saw her smile, once. She wuz a moody lil' heiffer...always tired...always pissed...always yellin at me for cuttin' up her damn newspaper. It wuz all bad news, anyhow. Hell! I wuz doin' her a huge ass favor. And I can betcha, If I could read, I'd be just as depressed as she wuz. Don't want any part of it. No, siree. I'm good. I'm as happy as jail bird on Christmas. Hmmm...Just how much did you say that moody heiffer won, again?

American Woman

Tits n Ass! Tits n Ass! Everywhere I look in this damn trailer, I got some pretty young thang starin' up at me with huge fake tits and a big bony ass. And I am so over it. It's official. I'm calling in the professionals. Out with the old and in with the HUGE. I am so done with this ol' body I can't even tell ya. After tomorrow, this ol' classic is gettin' a full body overhaul...from tiny rag top droops to draggin' ass bottom. We are gettin' tucked, sucked, lifted and in-jected with only the most quality of poisons ever con"cock"ted by a "crazy ass" scientist. I want it all. And like any red-blooded American Woman, I want it for a discount. I want cheap hard boobs sittin' perfectly spaced on my crooked little collar bone. Cleavage to high heaven...is my dream. And if they interfere with my swollen new lips, I'll just work um out...with a partner...of course. I just yearn for the day when I can walk down the road...butt naked...in some flashy, pain stakingly uncomfortable, nine inch weapons of pleather. I want respect accompanied by druell. And I want it, now. I demand it! So hang on to your own damn love handles. This future, Triple D masterpiece is fixin' to be handle-free. First class all the way! Baby! So when you're done chuggin' that there Tall-boy just stick it in this here aluminum can receptacle. I'm gonna need me all the aluminum cans I can get my grimmy little hands on if I'm ever gonna reach Porn-star status. And you might start thinkin' about saving up, yourself, cuz' I'm a need me a New Stripper Pole. That rusty one you borrowed from your mamma, last year, just ain't gonna do the "new girls" justice...besides...it stinks.

June 25, 2009

I don't know what happened. One second, I was sitting at the edge of my bed in my big, beautiful bedroom when this huge pain in my heart took over my entire chest and BOOM...I was sucked up and flying like a rocket...but backwards. I had no control of my body, what-so-ever. Before I knew it, I was perched up in a tree that seemed to have been created just for me. But, it was so high. It was as if I was sitting at the top of the world. I felt like a King...reigning over the entire world. My body felt so light and airy. I almost knew I could fly, but was afraid. And when I finally looked down , I could see my home...my ranch. It looked so small and empty. Sorrow filled my heart as the Ferris Wheel called out to me. "Come back. Come back home. Come ride with me." But, I couldn't move. I couldn't go back. It was impossible to go back. And I knew deep down...I was no longer alive. I cried like a baby...without a single wet tear and immediately slipped into a deep, calm sleep. I've never felt more rested in my entire life. I almost couldn't wake up...and I didn't want to. It was such a magical sleep. I felt so at peace with myself and my thoughts. All of my pain was gone. Here...there was no pain....no color...just shades of love. And there they were...my family...my brothers and sisters...and all of my children. I was so happy to see my family and I tried to call out to them, but they couldn't hear me. I yelled and I yelled. "What's wrong? What's going on? Why are you all here?" I tried so hard to get their attention, but they just couldn't hear me. "Mamma" I yelled. "Mamma, why are you crying? I don't want you to cry. Blanket, please don't cry. Daddy's here! Daddy's here! Paris! Prince! I'm here! Look! I'm here! Daddy's here! Please don't cry! My babies...please don't cry! Everything's going to be allright! I promise you! I promise. Everything is going to be just fine."
The Staple Center was dark and filled with so many people I didn't know...just like when I performed concerts there. But, this time...it was different. This time I wasn't performing. The silence was deafening. And there at the bottom of the highly decorated stage lay a beautiful...beautiful gold casket, topped with the reddest of roses I had ever seen. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything but watch my dear family and friends cry for me. My mother ,Elizabeth, wasn't there, but I could hear her crying and still do. I know she'll grace me with her presence, soon. She misses me, so. My babies will get through this. They're strong...and beautiful. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I just wish I could be there for them. I just wish I could touch them...and hold them...and tell them that I'm O.K. My mom and sister, Janet, will make sure my babies are well taken care of. Janet would never let anything happen to them. She's a good person with a beautiful heart. I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss everyone. How could I have been so stupid? I had no idea relieving my physical pain would cause so much grief in the end. I trusted people...the wrong people. I trusted them with my life. It was a huge mistake on my part that cost me my life with my children. They are all that ever mattered to me...not fame...not fortune...not anything. My children were my entire world. If only...I could go back. If I could go back...I would. If I could go back...things would be different...I would be different...Life...would be different.

Peace

Michael