June 25, 2009

I don't know what happened. One second, I was sitting at the edge of my bed in my big, beautiful bedroom when this huge pain in my heart took over my entire chest and BOOM...I was sucked up and flying like a rocket...but backwards. I had no control of my body, what-so-ever. Before I knew it, I was perched up in a tree that seemed to have been created just for me. But, it was so high. It was as if I was sitting at the top of the world. I felt like a King...reigning over the entire world. My body felt so light and airy. I almost knew I could fly, but was afraid. And when I finally looked down , I could see my home...my ranch. It looked so small and empty. Sorrow filled my heart as the Ferris Wheel called out to me. "Come back. Come back home. Come ride with me." But, I couldn't move. I couldn't go back. It was impossible to go back. And I knew deep down...I was no longer alive. I cried like a baby...without a single wet tear and immediately slipped into a deep, calm sleep. I've never felt more rested in my entire life. I almost couldn't wake up...and I didn't want to. It was such a magical sleep. I felt so at peace with myself and my thoughts. All of my pain was gone. Here...there was no pain....no color...just shades of love. And there they were...my family...my brothers and sisters...and all of my children. I was so happy to see my family and I tried to call out to them, but they couldn't hear me. I yelled and I yelled. "What's wrong? What's going on? Why are you all here?" I tried so hard to get their attention, but they just couldn't hear me. "Mamma" I yelled. "Mamma, why are you crying? I don't want you to cry. Blanket, please don't cry. Daddy's here! Daddy's here! Paris! Prince! I'm here! Look! I'm here! Daddy's here! Please don't cry! My babies...please don't cry! Everything's going to be allright! I promise you! I promise. Everything is going to be just fine."
The Staple Center was dark and filled with so many people I didn't know...just like when I performed concerts there. But, this time...it was different. This time I wasn't performing. The silence was deafening. And there at the bottom of the highly decorated stage lay a beautiful...beautiful gold casket, topped with the reddest of roses I had ever seen. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything but watch my dear family and friends cry for me. My mother ,Elizabeth, wasn't there, but I could hear her crying and still do. I know she'll grace me with her presence, soon. She misses me, so. My babies will get through this. They're strong...and beautiful. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I just wish I could be there for them. I just wish I could touch them...and hold them...and tell them that I'm O.K. My mom and sister, Janet, will make sure my babies are well taken care of. Janet would never let anything happen to them. She's a good person with a beautiful heart. I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss everyone. How could I have been so stupid? I had no idea relieving my physical pain would cause so much grief in the end. I trusted people...the wrong people. I trusted them with my life. It was a huge mistake on my part that cost me my life with my children. They are all that ever mattered to me...not fame...not fortune...not anything. My children were my entire world. If only...I could go back. If I could go back...I would. If I could go back...things would be different...I would be different...Life...would be different.

Peace

Michael