Reality Just Doesn't Suit Me

The Pressure Was Heavy...
Flashbacks of Big Brother Rudy
Perched on My Tiny Torso
Knuckling a Noogie
Into My Over Developed Chest...
Came Barrreling Back

Just Above My Lactating Breast
On the Left Side of My Strapping Physique
Was an Unquestionably
Excruciating Heart Pang
And Before I Could Finish
My Perverted Childhood Flashback...
An Unfathomable and Debilitating Pain
Paralyzed All Thoughts... Madness...and Movement
I Was Experiencing
The First of Many Signs...
To a Full Blown Heart Attack

I Had Just Returned Home
From a Late Night Run...
Dinner in Tow
To Find Myself
Clutching At My Bare Chest...
Lying on the Floor...
Staring Into The Dark Room
From Which I Had Just Made Entry
A Saturated Sports Bra
Lay Crumpled on the Floor
Just Above My Tattered Pony Tail
While Dingy, Rhinestone Studded Flip Flops
Quietly, Awaited
My Clammy, Achie Feet

It Felt Like an Eternity...

I Didn't Get a Chance
To Pull on an Oversized Nipple Teaser
Before the Shocking Event Took Place
But I Did Get a Horrific Glimpse
Of a Sassy Little Attitude
My Alter Ego Portrayed
Earlier in The Week...
Electric Blue Nail Polish
Painfully Adorned
My Chubby Little Toes...
Boy! Was I Screwed!

Damnit!!!
I Can't Die Like This!
I Haven't Taken a Shower!
I Stink so Bad
I Can Barely Stomach
My Own Cooter!
Shit!
I Can't Believe I'm Gonna Croke
Looking and Smelling Like a Crack Whore!
I Haven't Even Had The Pleasure
Of Collecting Semen Stains!
Crap! What in The World
Gave Me the Notion
I Could Carry Off
Electric...Mutha Freakin' Blue Nail Polish
On My Midget Sportin' Toe Nails?!
Uuugghh!!!
I Hate This!
People Are Gonna Think
I'm Fashion Challenged!
Or Worse!
My Fabulous Freakin' Friends
Will Never Let Me
Live This Down!
And I Definitely Can't Depend
On My Leaf Eating Co-habitator
To Find It
In His Tiny Tart of a Tinker
To Spruce Up My Half-naked Carcass!
F***!!!
He'll be Dippin' His Irish Sausage Fingers
Into My Chinese Take-0ut
Before He Even Stumbles
Across the Insurance Policy...
That Would Be Me...
Crapped Out on The Floor!

I Don't Want Hunky Paramedics
Running From My Pre-historic Bungalow
With A Bad Taste in Their Mouth!
I Want To Be...
The Most Beautiful Stiff
They've Ever Seen
Laying on a Cold Wooden Floor
A Picture Perfect Goddess...
All Dolled Up...
Breasts a Perked
Oozing of Cleavage, Pheromones and Magic Dust
Porcelein Skin a Glowing
Long Thick Eyelashes
Barely a Flutter
While F*** Me Red Lipstick
Lines My Newly Restylaned Lips

Don't You Just Love Soap Opera's?
I Must Say...
Reality Just Doesn't Suit Me
I Better Get Up Before I Die of Humiliation!

And Just Like That!
The Pain Was Gone!
The Lights Came On!
And Everything Was Back to Normal!
As For The Neighbors...
They May Be a Little Confused
As to Why Electric Blue Nail Polish
Is Spewed All Over Their Holistic Herb Garden
Oh, Well...
At Least My Arm Still Works!

Wake Up Call !!!

Maybe...
If I Was Dead
He'd Come Looking For Me
Maybe...
If I Actually Stopped Breathing
His Heart Would Seek Me Out
Maybe...
I Just Need
A Good Swift Kick
In The Trunk!

I Went From Wanting Love
To Needing Love
And I Actually Thought
I Had Finally Found "The Magic"
But...The Ol' Noggin'
Caught a Painful "Epiphany"
As a Bogus Two by Four
Went Wailing Across My Face

"He Doesn't Want You!
He May Say That He Does...
But...That's Not What He Means!"

What the "Penny Pinching" Photo Jerk Needs to Say is:

"I Could Do You...
As Long as You Live Within
A Twenty Mile Radius...
And Remain Completely Oblivious
Of All Other "Fine Feline" Party Favors
Within My Territorial Playground
What Can I Say?
I'm a Professional Wanderer and Seeker...
Wandering the Streets of Oblivion
While, Seeking Out Hot Babes
It's What I Do...
Not Who?
I'm Just Not a "Relationship" Kind of Guy
The "R" Word
Completely Annihilates My New Found Chi
I Mean...
The Mere Thought of Someone Hanging on Me
Without a Whip and Chain in Hand
Grossly Upsets and Discontinues
The Very Mold of Me
Unless...Of Course...
It Spells Out Riches
Now "Committment"...
Wreaks of Complete and Utter Disappointment
That Sucker's a Flat Liner
Just a Hint of the "C" Word
Has Me In the Dark...
Convulsing Profusely
"Exits", Kinky and Pleather
Are All I Need to Breathe
I Don't Want Love...or Strings...
Or Closets Full of Dangerous Stinky Shoes!
I Don't Need It!
I Don't Need Any of It!
I Just Want Insurance!
Should Havoc Come
Barreling Down on My Lungs...
That's Where You Come In...
To Nurse Me Back to Freedom
Comprehende?"

Anyone With Over 300 Facebook Friends
Is Either A Player
A Prostitute
Or Both
That Alone, Should Have Raised a Red Flag
But...Love is Blind...Stupid...And Sometimes...
A Lil' Messy
Oh Well...
Back to Cyberspace
Or Better, Yet
The Little Cantina Down the Street
I Kinda Wanna Get Lucky...
I Mean Laid...
I Mean Nasty, Naughty n Naked!
Who Needs Love
When You Got Tequila?

I Just Came to Say...Goodbye.

Crispy Nerves
Fried Desires
Soggy Thoughts
Whipped Emotions...
A Subject of Controversy
Plagued With A Plagerism of Shame

Blasphemous Insanity!

I Just Came to Say...Goodbye.

The Flight Was a Little Bumpy
But...
Air Turbulence...I Can Handle

I Have Survived, Again
Unscathed
Unharmed
Merely...
A Trifle Unhappy

It's Been a Long
And Clever Road
Filled With Immense Utopia
And Insensitive Traffic
The Congestion...Sweet and Corrupt

Like a Barnyard Poodle...
I'm Appalled...
And Out of Place

The Diurnal Heartache
Grows Dourly Doleful

Mucous Filled Nostrils
Tear-stained Clothing
Saturated Lashes
Colorless Cheeks
Insignificant Heart Palpatations
Coupled With a Foisted Lifetime
Of Jolly Follies...Gone

The Love Will Never Expire...
But...Time Has Come to an End

Inadequate Pompiety...Lives on.